Watchtower’s Pecking Order

Adapted from a post by “Mad Sweeney”

Let’s face it: The Watchtower Society is really just a big publishing corporation that happens to print and distribute religious literature. Like any corporation, it has an “organization chart” that outlines its structure, showing the various levels and what they are supposed to do. Each level supervises the level below and reports to the level above. By looking at the organization chart, you can tell “who does what to whom.” The Watchtower Society calls each of its organizational levels “classes.”

Over the history of the Watchtower, the leaders have defined so many levels and rankings that now they’ve given up trying to use the word “classes” to describe them anymore. Let me help you understand how the organization is supposed to work.

Heavenly Headquarters

At the very top you have, of course, JEHOVAH. Being “Almighty God,” He is nominally in charge of everything but doesn’t actually do anything.

Reporting only to Jehovah and in second position, you have “The Now Reigning King,” JESUS CHRIST – who, like Jehovah, is supposedly in charge of everything – but also doesn’t actually do anything.

Next in line are those of the 144,000 ANOINTED who have already died and been resurrected to heaven. They are in place and waiting to rule as “kings and priests” for a thousand years. Like their brother Jesus, and Father Jehovah, these ANOINTED also have nothing to do at present.

Earthly Headquarters

Down here on Earth, the leaders of the organization are the legal CORPORATE OFFICERS and ATTORNEYS for the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. Besides being visible, this group is the first that actually does anything as you head down the Kingdom’s corporate ladder. These are the guys who decide what the “Governing Body” can and will tell the all other Jehovah’s Witnesses what they are supposed to do. Although these guys are human and therefore “visible,” for the most part they try to hide in the background and remain “invisible” as much as possible.

Supposedly “in charge” is the GOVERNING BODY. These seven men sort of do some things. For example, every Wednesday morning they meet for a couple of hours. They talk about the work their committees are doing and then decide to agree that the status quo is treating them all pretty well. If they’re feeling saucy (or mischievous), they may discuss some “new light” to spring on rank and file Jehovah’s Witnesses later in the year. They will then commission someone in the “Service Department” to put this “new light” into a talk outline – or have the “Writing Department” include it in a Watchtower or Awake! magazine article. Otherwise, the members of the Governing Body spend their time rubber-stamping orders from the corporate types above them or suggestions from the Department Heads below.

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“Dubs for Dummies”

By “Farkel”


Dear Brothers and Sisters in the Worldwide Brotherhood of Jehovah’s Witnesses™,
     There has been much public interest in our beliefs lately, so we
have prepared a very brief summary of our core beliefs in a new pamphlet
which you may offer to interested persons. Hopefully, this pamphlet will
generate enough interest with honest-hearted people and enable you to
start many new Bible studies. Please remember to occasionally use the
Bible for reference in those studies, but also remember the Biblical
counsel on moderation in all things.
     The Faithful and Discreet Slave CLASS through careful prayer and
consideration has come up with a title for this pamphlet that will
surely generate interest and curiosity. We have entitled it
“Dubs For Dummies.”
     To the worldwide body of elders: for instructions on how to distribute
this pamphlet in field service work and informally, please refer to
Watchtower Directive AU-474-392-17, page 17, sub-section 9, paragraph 14.
Make sure the congregation follows these instructions exactly as written.
We offer our warmest Christian regards,

Watchtower Bible and Tract Society, INC.


Dubs for Dummies

If you are an honest-hearted person who is interested in knowing more about the Bible and its wonderful provisions for mankind, we ask you to please consider the beliefs of Jehovah’s Witnesses. We are confident that once you do, you will see that Jehovah’s Witnesses are endeavoring to follow the Bible as our Creator wants us to do. You may have heard about Jehovah’s Witnesses, but also may not know what we believe and practice. We encourage you to take a few minutes and review this brief summary of our main beliefs:

We do not celebrate birthdays because we believe life is sacred and we do not want to put ourselves at risk getting beheaded, as so commonly happens at such gatherings.

We only have one celebration a year. This is the celebration of the Lord’s Evening Meal, held on Nissan 300ZX-turbo of each year. To prepare for this grand celebration, our congregations around the world purchase approximately 80,000 bottles of wine and then assemble together in our Kingdom Halls. No one is allowed to smile at this celebration because it is a “serious celebration.” At the meeting, we fill up glasses with wine, and pass them around so that everyone can look at those glasses of wine. After everyone has had a chance to look at those glasses of wine, the celebration concludes with a prayer. You might be wondering what happens to these 80,000 bottles of wine that everyone had to look at. Well, it is customary to end the evening by purchasing another 2 MILLION bottles of wine and drinking all that wine in various gatherings after the celebration of the Lord’s Evening Meal.

Jehovah’s Witnesses are the only True Christians™ and some day may actually write a book using the name “Jesus” or “Christ” in its title.

We believe that every prophecy in the Bible has a greater fulfillment in our modern day, and that every prophet in the Bible pictured an even greater prophet in our day. Every single one of the good Bible prophecies and all the good prophets in the Bible are fulfilled in and by us and those who govern us. All the bad prophecies and bad prophets apply to everyone else. Jehovah’s Witnesses are a humble people.

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Watchtower “breakdown” on the Highway to Paradise

By Terry Walstrom

All of us at one time or another have owned an automobile that was a real lemon!  While the car may have been  shiny, stylish and totally cool-looking – the problem was it was a piece of crap.

Repair, after repair, after repair! A never-ending spiral of maintenance kept it in the shop more than it was on the road!

You may have really loved that car. In fact – it might well have been a classic – but was totally useless for basic transportation because IT COULD NOT GET YOU WHERE YOU WANTED TO GO!

And that, my friends, applies to the religion known as “Jehovah’s Witnesses!”

The engine which drives this “tour bus to a Heavenly Paradise” keeps breaking down, forcing the bus to the side of the road and making the passengers wait for repairs.

All the while, the tour guide and the bus company offer glowing reassurances that you are “IN GOOD HANDS” and the arrival will be well worth the trip!

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Going to the Public Talk

The following YouTube video, while presented with a huge dose of satire, nails the basic concepts of attending a local Kingdom Hall’s “public talk.” Written and produced by an Australian observer of Jehovah’s Witnesses and their unique religious practices, this little bit of expanded reality should bring a chuckle or two to anyone who has actually attended a JW meeting.

If you think this depiction is too far over the top, I suggest that you go to a Kingdom Hall and experience a public talk for yourself.  Then decide how accurately this video portrays a Sunday meeting. My guess is that if you do go,  you’ll never want to go again.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qxmJM0muVVs

Every Sunday, Jehovah’s Witnesses go to their local Kingdom Hall to hear the “public talk” and then later attend the weekly Watchtower Study, a rather boring question and answer session using an article from a recent Watchtower magazine.

Public talks are the Witnesses’ version of a sermon. They began as one hour speeches, but shortened to 45 minutes a few years ago. Although they still seem like an hour, they now last only 30 minutes.

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A Craigslist Cry for Help

Editor’s Note: This was an actual ad posted on Craigslist.org in mid-September in New Mexico. I first learned of this ad while browsing the Jehovah’s Witness Recovery Forum. I went to the Albuquerque Craigslist and verified the existence of the ad in the “Talent Gigs” subsection. The ad has since been flagged and removed – probably because of complaints by some JWs who don’t have a sense of humor. Thanks to a forum member [So past a dub] the ad was copied in its entirety and posted for others to enjoy. I’m sure that you will agree that this is a classic bit of humor and will enjoy it as much as I did. Sorry to say, I was unable to identify the original author before the ad was deleted.


Actor Wanted to Cheer up Depressed Jehovah’s Witness

As strange as it may sound, even the people who always tell you at your doorstep to “have a nice day” sometimes get depressed, especially from the many arrogant and rude people they end up talking to. I’m in a serious funk because I’ve been knocking on doors now for over 30 years and the end of the world hasn’t come and I just can’t push myself any longer to knock on doors. Depressed writer Truman Capote [public domain]For other religions this wouldn’t be a problem but with Jehovah’s Witnesses, you get kicked out, shunned by your relatives and friends, along with getting a death sentence from God. So, I have no choice but to get over this and this is why I want to hire an actor to help me out.

I’m looking to hire an actor for a one day contract gig. I would prefer a male actor, who is short and pudgy but if you have a chin like Jay Leno that would be a big plus. I do not want to meet you prior to the role you will play at my doorstep. It is very important that your role be played realistically. The entire scenes will be recorded by cameras both in the hallway and in my apartment. Here are the details of the 3 acting scenes. Please read this carefully and give me a bid for your services that includes the props (I will send the magazines to you in advance):

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