September 21st, 2009
Editor’s Note: This was an actual ad posted on Craigslist.org in mid-September in New Mexico. I first learned of this ad while browsing the Jehovah’s Witness Recovery Forum. I went to the Albuquerque Craigslist and verified the existence of the ad in the “Talent Gigs” subsection. The ad has since been flagged and removed – probably because of complaints by some JWs who don’t have a sense of humor. Thanks to a forum member [So past a dub] the ad was copied in its entirety and posted for others to enjoy. I’m sure that you will agree that this is a classic bit of humor and will enjoy it as much as I did. Sorry to say, I was unable to identify the original author before the ad was deleted.
Actor Wanted to Cheer up Depressed Jehovah’s Witness
As strange as it may sound, even the people who always tell you at your doorstep to “have a nice day” sometimes get depressed, especially from the many arrogant and rude people they end up talking to. I’m in a serious funk because I’ve been knocking on doors now for over 30 years and the end of the world hasn’t come and I just can’t push myself any longer to knock on doors. For other religions this wouldn’t be a problem but with Jehovah’s Witnesses, you get kicked out, shunned by your relatives and friends, along with getting a death sentence from God. So, I have no choice but to get over this and this is why I want to hire an actor to help me out.
I’m looking to hire an actor for a one day contract gig. I would prefer a male actor, who is short and pudgy but if you have a chin like Jay Leno that would be a big plus. I do not want to meet you prior to the role you will play at my doorstep. It is very important that your role be played realistically. The entire scenes will be recorded by cameras both in the hallway and in my apartment. Here are the details of the 3 acting scenes. Please read this carefully and give me a bid for your services that includes the props (I will send the magazines to you in advance):
Dressed as a Jehovah’s Witness (beforehand you will have went out to go buy a cheap, crumpled suit from Good Will or other thrift store) you will knock on my apartment door at the designated time we set. The door will be intimidating because it will have signs on it saying things like: “I feed my dogs Jehovah’s Witnesses for breakfast and Mormons for dinner” and so on. Just ignore the signs and knock having copies of both the Watchtower and Awake magazine displayed in your hands. When I open the door you will see a middle aged man wearing a pink ballerina outfit who will be very upset that you ruined his practice. He will berate you with vile and obscene language and mock your manhood. You must not take it personally and always remain smiling. When he exhausts himself with insults, ask him if he would like a copy of the magazines and when I yell out a loud “Nooooooo!” you will say, “have a nice day” and leave.
You will return to the same door about an hour later. You will again knock and have the Watchtower and Awake magazines held out in front of you. When I open the door, you will start by saying “Hello, I was in your neighborhood” and at that point you will notice in shock and disgust that I’m completely naked but have a feather duster stuck in my butt. I will be in an animated state, jumping around and saying “There is only one truth in this universe, and it is not Jehovah’s Witnesses.” You will walk away without saying a word and I will yell out “Hey…where is my: ‘Have a nice day?’ ”
Prior to coming back to my door, you will have put whatever they call those blood bags used in movie stunts under your shirt in the front. There will be a rubber backed mat in front of the doorway this time, please be sure to bleed only on that as I don’t want to clean up any mess in the hallway. After you knock on the door this time, I will open it and scream “Oh my God. It’s the Jehovah’s Witnesses” and then I will rush towards the coffee table that has two pistols on top (don’t worry these are just toy cap guns) and I will pick up both guns and proceed to shoot you full of holes. You need to do a realistic death scene then and make sure that the blood bag works and only drips on the mat. Your last dying words to me (when I’m leaning over you, realizing what a horrible crime I have committed) are, “Please take these magazines. The end is near. I don’t want a blood transfusion and I forgive you for being such an asshole. No, I’m not going to wish you a nice day.”
If you do a good job of this, it will go a long ways towards helping me over my depression and I will always be able to look back on the videos of the day I got revenge over the pricks I seem to keep running across when I go door to door.
Editor’s Postscript: If the original author of this great little piece wants to identify himself and be given some proper credit for his writing talents, please email me at Editor@ex-jw.com. I’m just glad that I’m able to share this with others who might find this as funny as I did.